Christmas - 12 Weeks

Sonya and Simon Christmas Day 2011

Merry Christmas!  I hope everyone has had a great time with those the love.  For me this season has been full of mixed emotions.  It has provided me the opportunity to see many of my loved ones that I only see on an occasional basis on trips home. And I has been the first time I have seen most of them since before Sonya went home.  Almost without exception, the first time I see someone that I know loved both Sonya and I, the meeting results in instant tears for me.

Encouragement comes from odd places some times.  On Sunday, driving through Arizona, I was surfing the radio, look for the Broncos game - to no avail.  I came across an interview with Cardinal Timothy Dalton who was being asked questions about the tragedy of the school shoot that took place just a few days ago.  He mentioned a comment that really touched my heart - A parent of one of the children who lost their life had made a statement to the effect of - "Event though she in no longer with us, and we can no longer express our love for her to her, no longer hug her or hold her, we take comfort in knowing that she is in heaven and that our God is expressing his love to her, his perfect love. And in that we can find some joy, in knowing He loves her perfectly and will fill her entire need for love."

Over the past 12 weeks many have suggested that I can find comfort in knowing Sonya is home and spending her time in the very presence of one who created her, who died for her and who loves her far more deeply and perfectly that I ever could.  Comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering, no longer fighting, no longer in pain.  While there is indeed great joy in my heart for Sonya, that she has been given a new body that is perfectly healthily and that she is no longer fearful of what is happening in that body and experiencing no pain.  Joy that she has a front row seat and a perfect personal and uninhibited relationship with our God.  But that joy does nothing to lessen the loss and void I feel.

As time has passed, things have gotten a bit easier.  I still have my hours almost daily where I feel the loss so very deeply.  I have been so thankful to have my mom there to walk with and talk to - to express those feelings and thoughts to, without any feeling of judgement.  While healing is taking place, it is coming slowly.  While I may know some of the answers to questions I have - it doesn't really stop me from asking the questions.  I also realize that I don't need answers to some of those questions just yet - but I am still asking and hoping to understand the my steps ahead better.

I look forward to the time in my future where I will join my dear Sonya in heaven!  I am joyful for the gift of salvation, the gift of eternity in heaven.  I am grateful now in a way and for reasons that didn't exist in my heart just a few short months ago.  These these new reasons have so very little to do with the expectation of spending eternity in God's presence.  And while maybe these new reasons miss the real reason for rejoicing in my eternal destination, I think our God will understand the now dual desire in my heart to be home.

This Christmas season has taken on a new set of emotions for me.  This season was so very much Sonya's favorite.  She loved the entire experience. She loved to celebrate the birth of her savior, knowing that his birth was the first step toward his death and resurrection and her salvation.  She loved the decorations, seeing them and putting them up and our year long search for the ornament we would add to our tree that year.  Indeed, many of those ornaments marked trips we had taken and had travelled a long way to join our tree.

She would have but up our Christmas tree right after Halloween if she had been married to a guy who would have been ok with that… I always asked that we wait until Thanksgiving at least.  But loved seeing the excitement in her eyes as the decorations went up and our Christmas Season "officially" began.

She loved the gift giving, the opportunity to bless others and to see the excitement on their face  She seemed to especially enjoy the challenge of giving her husband an actual surprise for Christmas, which apparently was not all that easy a task.

I can hardly look at Christmas decorations without her memory jumping to the forefront of my mind.  Those memories come with great joy of having been blessed with the precious time I had with her.  Of being someone of unique position in her life and heart.  Those memories also come with the reminder that she is no longer here, that I am no longer able to share this very season with her.  And often the tears flow.

While I do look forward to seeing her again, I also know she wanted and still wants me to be happy.  She asked me to move forward, to not stay sad, to not stay crushed. And I want to be able to do that.  And in some ways I am.

I continue to find myself conflicted with not wanting to lose my memories of her and wanting to allow someone else into my life.  While it will likely still be a while before that takes place - I still struggle with the idea of someone else occupying the position in my life and heart that Sonya has occupied for the last decade.  I struggle with the need to allow someone new to become the most important person in my life and the idea of that meaning Sonya will no longer occupy that position.  That is not yet a shift my heart is ready to make - and indeed not one it needs to make yet.  But none the less on that I look forward with both hope and concern to that time.

My Christmas journeys so far have allowed me time with one of my cousins who's life experiences allow her to have a perspective on my loss that is meaningful to me.  And she has shared her own experience and in doing so, she answered some of the questions I have had rolling around in my mind. The most prominent, that you can indeed love two people, one who is home with the Lord and one who is here.  That you can love them both, without dishonoring either.  And that God achieve this in your heart, by allowing your  expanding your heart, and that the love for the new person does not take away from the love for the first. - What an encouragement to hear - and to have it come some someone I admire and who has walked a similar road.

Merry Christmas to you all.  Thank you all for your prayers for me and for the entire McLaren and Wessberg families.  Our road, our journey continues.  And while the road has gotten a bit easier - it is far from over and far from being free of hurt and loss.  Please continue to lift us in prayer.

8 Weeks and Counting - Thankgiving

Sonya and her sister Lanissa, 1 years ago tomorrow.

This past week included Thanksgiving and it has been just over 8 weeks since Sonya departed this earth to begin her eternity with Christ.  Thanksgiving was full of emotion, both of happiness as I spent time with our friends and sadness as I felt the void her not being by my side, of not being able to get her something to drink or to discuss what were are going to do tomorrow.  The emptiness of her not being here with me is definitely felt.

But it was also a day to try and express thanks.  And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  Many remind me that I can be thankful for the 8 & 1/2 years I did have married to Sonya.  And in truth I am thankful for the time I had with her.  But no matter how thankful I am for that - it does not make the void and feeling of loss any less intense.  In fact, the more I consider how wonderful our relationship was, the more I have to be thankful for in that relationship - and the larger the void feels.

So I try and focus my thanks on the things that I had and still have aside from my dear Sonya.  My own health, my family and friends.  The love that they have shown me inspite of how hard it might be for them to be there for me.  Hard both from a logistical standpoint and emotionally for them.  I am thankful for a job that is both fulfilling and that has been so understanding of the struggle that Sonya and I were going through and of the struggle that I am now going through.

Last week include a trip to the south end of the DC.  As I drove past the National Mall - so many memories came flooding back of the times we had spent touring the Mall together with friends.  As I was able to identify some of the sites from the freeway - I recalled the time we had spent at each, the pictures we had taken there and again the void of her not being there to remind of the details I have forgotten. 

I desire to move forward, to heal, but still find me heart unable to take certain steps - steps like moving her things, or emptying any of the drawers in the house that still hold her things.  In fact I still refer to things as hers or ours and to us.  Moving her things, thinking of packing it away still feels so very much like I am trying to push her from my memory.  

I struggle to consider the idea of allowing someone else to be a part of my life.  So many of you have told me that I need to allow myself time.  While time is necessary, time also hurts.  I so very much want to move quickly through this season of pain, not to avoid it but to get it behind me.  To begin to feel a relief from the emptiness.  I recently with someone, that my heart physically felt "heavy" today.  Heavy from the sorrow and the grief.  

I miss her still so very much.  Each memories of her, brings with it happiness and sorrow not always in equal proportions. 

For those of you who have sent cards, Thank you so Very much.  It took me almost 6 weeks to read the all the cards that I did receive.  Not because there were so many (there were a lot), but because I could only handle reading 3 or 4 in a day.  And some some days I couldn't bring myself to read any of them.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers and thank you to everyone that continues to check in on me - I still need it and probably will for a very long time.

It has been a month - I am surviving

It has been a month, a month of missing my love.  A month of tears, a month of memories, a month of walking and month of not know why or what comes next.  A month of having a difficult time sleeping and concentrating.

Over the past month I have lost a wife, had to make funeral arrangements (Thank you to all of her family and mine that did so much of the work while I was barely able to make any decisions.), been trying to get back to work and trying to lean on God to keep me from falling apart.

I am still dealing the incredible amount of paperwork and watching some folks move very slowly to provide support.  Folks that are supposed to be here to help in exactly this situation.  Some have been great and other seem to be dragging their feet.

I am beginning to understand all that I lost in my wonderful wife.  A partner, a lover, a friend, a confidant, a cook, and travel partner, a dinner partner, a date to the movies, the show, the beach,…, a shopping companion and second opinion on my clothes.  A sounding board, and the reason I planned so far ahead.  Someone to rub my back,  pop my knuckles, encourage me, and someone to shop for.  Someone to walk the dog with me, to go to Navy functions with, to accompany me, and to just be there in the quite of the evening and night.  Someone to visit friends with, to visit family with.  A safe shoulder to cry on, and someone to love.

As I walk around the house, I am reminded of her at every turn.  Looking at pictures, I recall the places we visited, the thought of her standing beside me while I took the picture, or as I stood beside her and she shot just one picture and it turned out better than all of mine… While memories are good and happy of her, they come in waves that still run me over.

Do I have question for God about why he allowed this to happen? Of course I do.  Do I have answers to those questions? No.  Do I question his choice?  Yup.  Do I believe He has a plan? Sometimes.

One of Sonya's favorite verses was Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I have repeated it to myself a number of times to help comfort my heart that God does indeed have a plan for me.  Does it always provide comfort? No.  At time it does and gives me what I may need most - hope.  At other times it is just an empty bunch of words.

I have a hard time returning phone calls or even text and Facebook messages , but thank you to everyone who has called, texted or messaged - please don't stop!  I still need encouragement.  Encouragement that come from reminding me that I was so blessed to have shared my life with Sonya.  And encouragement that God has a plan for me and that it will be fulfilling.  Encouragement that he will provide comfort and peace even while the void is still so very real. Encouragement that God will restore my ability to love.  Encouragement to get out of the house and to hang out with people.  Encouragement to meet new people.  Just encouragement.

As time goes on, it seems that many forget that the loss is still so very present in my heart.  That while life goes on, that for me it goes on with only half of me being here.  I still need you to reach out, to offer to come walk a mile or two with me.

Week 3 - Lots of Memories

This week has been a week full of memories and visiting places and attending an event that was special to Sonya.

Last Saturday, a good friend of mine was willing to go out in town and wander with me to take pictures.  Those of you that know me, know I like photography and have had the opportunity to take a lot of pictures on the travels and adventures Sonya and I enjoyed together.  But until this past Saturday - I had not taken my camera out to take a single picture.  I had used my camera on the phone, but not my camera, camera…

In truth, I just could not bring myself to do so.  I had hoped that with the help of my friend just being there and encouraging me, I would be able to get past the void that I feel whenever I just look at the camera.  Well our day of photography came and went, I took some pictures and he and I exchanged stories of how he and his wife met & how Sonya and I had met.  I shared some of my other memories as well.

I still feel that void when I look at the camera and it triggers memories of all the many places where we took pictures together.  I wish now I had taken even more pictures of Sonya.  She was a reluctant model much of the time and I just never asked enough!

Wednesday, Mom and I attended the Oya Fashion Show - a Fundraising event for Breast Cancer Awareness.  Sonya had participated in this event a few times over the past few years and she had very much enjoyed it.  The Oya Solon would provide a day of pampering at the solon a couple of days before the actual fashion show, give many, many cancer survivors just a relaxing day for free.  I think this is what Sonya liked so much about the event.

Me, I liked the opportunity to take a couple of pictures of her!  I have included a couple from the events I did take pictures at - and I remember the hairdos.  She was always so willing to all Mark, the head hairdresser -  to do whatever he wanted with her hair - for the fashion show itself and she would wear it proudly.  Not because she liked the new do necessarily - but because she had hair!

This year the organizers had set up a small memorial for Sonya and 3 other women who had participated as models in prior years and lost their battle over the past year.  The event sponsor mentioned Sonya specifically a couple times as he introduced the fashion show as he reminded us all of those who were no longer able to be with us.

I recall past years at the event thinking - this could be the last event for Sonya.  She might not be here next year… and it was hard to stay upbeat during those moments. But I so enjoyed seeing her have fun at being a part of the event.

This year's event was very hard for me.  I cried on more than one occasion during the event.

Today, was a trip to Cannery row and a revisit of many of the places we used to frequent. The Cannery Row Brewery - a restaurant, we had recently gotten to like.  Me for their smoke hot wings and her for their portabella burger… a hard place to visit tonight.  Again accompanied by mom and the same great friend I took photos with last weekend.  The thing is that while I thought about her often while we were out tonight - I don't recall feeling down about things.  I missed her, but I didn't get too down.

As for how I am doing - I can only describe it as "Better than I expected, I would be doing…" And I am not sure why.  But tonight has been hard.

First, the experience has been far different than I expected.  The hurt is different than I had been dreading.  For that I remain extremely grateful.  The memories, while overpowering at times and saddening that I can not share them with her or make new memories with her, but all my memories of Sonya are happy memories.

Second, I believe that God has been merciful to me and has truly carried me over the past 3 & 1/2 weeks.   I think he has kept me from experiencing the depth of the hurt that I could expected.  I am not saying it has been easy, only that I am not as completely crushed as I had expected to for the past 4 & 1/2 years.

Third - and this is where you all come in - I think I have been prayed for nearly round the clock and by an enormous number of ever since she went home to be with the Lord.  Please keep praying for me - please and thank you!  You are making a difference in my life with your prayer.

I wonder if a real crash is yet ahead of me, as I don't seemed to have experience the crush I anticipated.  Is that still ahead?  I hope not. Or will God keep me from that crash all together? I hope so.  Has the past 4 & 1/2 years of thinking and crying and praying already been a part of my grieving process and I am further along than one might expect?"

I still cry daily.  Usually multiple times.  But I have had a lot of good hours as well. Over the past week in particular.

I found a short stack of cards from Sonya to me tonight.  As I reread them, I was reminded by just how much she loved me.  Just how loved she felt.  And I felt loss and joy.  Joy that I had been so completely loved by her.  Joy that she is no longer in pain. Joy that she is in the presence of our God and Savior.  (I don't really have any idea what she is doing - but I know she is with Him.) Joy that I finished well in our marriage - as did she.   I feel like she and I were a success.  Odd to describe a marriage that only lasted 8 years, 8 months and 2 days as a success - But I think we had a successful marriage.

At the same time - I continue to pray that I will move forward quickly.  And that creates emotional conflict.  As much as I want to move forward, I have difficulty shaking the thought, that moving forward means letting go and forgetting her.  And I don't want to forget, I don't want to let go… I know I have to eventually let go - but my heart is not completely ready for that.

I haven't moved very much of her stuff yet - not sure where to put it, or what to put in its place.  And each time I do move something - I feel like I am pushing her out of my life and memory.  And I don't want to do that, at least not yet, not now.  On one hand I know it is all "just stuff", but at the same time, I also know the memories attached to "that stuff" and I am not able to hide or remove  those memories yet.

To my Monterey Brothers in Christ - I need you!  I need you to reach out and take a walk with me.  You need to know I don't tend to like large groups well.  I like "one-on-one" and right now, I need an opportunity to just share my heart "one-on-one.,"  Sometimes that is not what happens at all - I end up talking about everything but Sonya and the loss.  Other times, I just need to relive memories and share some of my deeper hurts or fears.  And to be reminded of God's Word as it applies to my thoughts and to pray with you and for you.

The Unheard Eulogy - My Wife

For those of you where able to attend one of Sonya's two Celebrations of Life services, you got hear about Sonya as a sister, a daughter, a colleague and as a friend.  What you didn't hear was about Sonya as a wife and sweetheart.  Why not - Because while I wanted to share, at the time I found it too difficult to share my own memories and didn't really know where to begin or which memories made sense to share.  I am not saying that I have answers to those question now, but I want or need to share some of my memories of her.

My wife, Sonya:  The best way to describe her is that the Love of Christ seemed to pour out of her.  Toward me, that outpouring was no exception: I would like to think that I am not all that difficult to get along with, and Sonya made sure I felt that way.  I am not saying that I am easy to get along with, only that Sonya could read me like a book.  She seemed to know when to carry on a conversation about a touchy subject because I was in a mood to discuss it without being upset, and when it was better to delay those conversations because I was to wound up or stressed from other activities and the conversation would decay in to an argument.  She so very rarely fell to the temptation to push my buttons during a conversation.

I recall the first trip she took without me after we had gotten married.  I no longer recall where she took the trip to, but I would guess it was a Mary Kay venture.  She was gone for three days and on her return, I remember sharing with her that "I never worried about what you were up to while you were away!" 

She looked at me with a bit of a puzzled look and wasn't sure if she had done something that would have given me reason to question her loyalty.  I told Sonya that is was not anything Sonya had done; rather for me, I had never experienced that sort of trust and peace while my someone special was far away without much accountability.  It was a new experience for me, and I liked it and it was because of her character and love that I had experienced that peace and trust.  Prov 31:11 says: "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."  And for me, I was this husband being talked about in Proverbs 31.  More importantly, this just one more of the Prov 31 woman characteristics that Sonya was exemplifying and I was on the receiving end of the benefits…  I was excited. I was blessed!

That trip was somewhat pivotal for me.  Following that realization that I could trust her - and that the reality of that had reached my heart, any of the walls of protection of heart that may have still existed began to melt away.  I was finally able to really let her in.

I have been told that Sonya was so very much in love with me.  I like hearing that!  And those that knew us well said that she always felt loved by me… I like hearing that as well!  The thing is, Sonya made it so very easy to love her.  She was a strong, intelligent and competitive woman, but aside from when we played games, she never seemed to allow that independence or competitiveness to be used against her husband, but rather for me.  She was willing to submit to my leading, which made it easy to listen to her concerns or objections.  Odd thing was, I think she was able to influence my actions a decision much more effectively using this submissive but appealing approach.  And any change of my mind, heart and direction came with the benefit of being driven by my love for her and not by me trying to pacify her.  Again she made it easy to love her.

Sonya fit me so very well.  I have been blessed to have shared those 8 & 1/2 years with her and continue to be blessed with the memories of that love.  As I have reflected over the past few days, I have no painful memories of her.  None!  I am not saying that I don't feel loss - quite the opposite, I feel a great deal of loss and the tears flow daily right now as something I see or a thought crosses my mind and reminds me of another wonderful memory or character quality of hers that was so precious to me.  The loss and reality of her not being here hurts deeply, at times so deeply I am scared by it.  But the memories themselves are not painful, that are actually quite happy memories.

For the past 4 & 1/2 years it was the thought of that all my memories of Sonya would hurt and of not having any happy memories has scared me deeply about a life without Sonya.  

Ever since Sonya's diagnosis, I have dreaded going through the experience of the losing my wife, and the pain of all the memories.  The thing is, the loss of Sonya has been different than I expected.  The loss itself is far greater, the part of me that Sonya has filled in my life for the past 8 years is a far greater hole than I would have expected.  But, there is no feeling of having being rejected - in fact quite the opposite, Sonya made it very clear over the last 2-3 years of her life that she was not afraid to die - but that she was concerned about me and the hurt and grief I would experience if she was called home.  Even in the week before her going home to be with our Lord, she cried and told me she did not want to die, because she didn't want to leave me and she didn't want me to hurt.  

So while the loss far deeper, it has no element of rejection in it.  And that seems to have allowed all the memories I have to remain happy memories.  Sure I cry when I think I won't be able to make new memories with her and that I can not share these memories with her…  I cry a lot.  But the lack of rejection by Sonya - has made this loss so very different that I was expecting. 

The fact that all my memories are happy memories and that now even in her absence there is no feeling of rejection, no feeling of not having been good enough for her, and the reality that she didn't leave me for someone else, no act of disloyalty to our wedding vows - makes it easy to love her.

While I know Sonya wanted me to move forward, to find a new love to share my life with, I wonder if in fact there is anyone who can measure up to the incredible woman Sonya was in life? I know I am not ready for a new person just yet.  But again, the fact Sonya knew me well enough to know I would need someone new in my life, and that she made sure I knew she wanted that for me, and she made sure her family knew that as well, and that she asked them to be supportive of that - well again makes it so very easy to love her. I can't imagine saying you want your husband to remarry is an easy thing to say, but she did it. She did it because she loved me, and to make sure I didn't experience guilt when the time comes. How can you not love a woman life that.

How can you not love a woman who fights to stay with you, who tried alternative treatments just to delay not her death, but my loss?  She was a woman who made it so very easy for me to love her.