His heart which was once full of love for the partner God placed in is life
Now finds itself with a hole that has not been filled and a love whose focus is now out of reach
Looking forward to the future inevitably means letting go of the past
And in his case, the past was awesome and the future so undefined
His mind full of memories; some he can not shake and others he would never want to
He must now learn to hide away many of those memories to allow a new space to be available
His road has been filled with support, but lonely all the same
Glad to not walk it alone, but crushed to walk it all
"Help Lord Jesus" are sometimes the only words he can muster.
A year. The passage of time is unstoppable, and time has done what it always has - continued to move in the only direction it knows. And like it or not, I am on that train. Today is a marker, a beacon to remember the amazing time Sonya and I shared together. It is also a milestone, in some ways a day I thought would never come. I mean I knew it would eventually come, but it seemed so far away. A year without Sonya.
Believe me when I share, a world without her, or at least my world without her, is one I prayed and hoped I would never have to see. But, such is the course of life that God has allowed to be my course. Why - I haven't got a clue. Do I still ask - you bet! Do I expect an answer - no, not really. At least not in the hear and now.
This past year has also be full of firsts without Sonya. Of rediscovering who I am without her. Maybe not all that surprising, I am much the same man without her as I was with her. But there is indeed a part of me missing. A part of me I loved and had the opportunity to share life with and to take care of and spoil and be spoiled by. I not only miss her, I miss the part of me that got to express itself toward her.
Over that past year my walk with the Lord has definitely been challenged. The only answers I have to why He allowed her to go home that make any sense require me to acknowledge that God sees things on an eternal scale. And that this earth is not our final destination. If you consider that we are just pilgrims passing through this life, with an eternal destination in our future, well then things might make a bit more sense. In fact, there is even comfort in knowing that Sonya had trusted her eternal destination to the grace and mercy of God through the gift of salvation that was provided through Jesus' death on the cross. There is comfort in knowing she is full of joy today, without pain or sorrow and that she is in the presence of our Lord. Does that bring comfort, yes. Does it fill the void...not in the least.
And while her path has taken her home, mine is to continue to move forward on this earth. And to move forward, means you have to know where you are headed (and I am still working that out). Moving forward means change. And my year has seen a lot of it.
I have had three roommates over the past year. My family has seen to it that I have not had to live alone. A sacrifice on their part that can not ever repay. Each of them so very different from Sonya and from each other. I have had to learn to live with each of them, to establish routines, boundaries and fellowship. And then to adapt to change again as they have traded places and I have gotten a new roommate.
I have had to change some of habits, or least put them on the shelf for the time being. A lot of realizations about my own habits. Some of the moments of enlightenment have been rather amusing and some, almost embarrassing. But so many of those realization have been about the habits I had toward Sonya.
I have changed locations - I moved cross country in July. The move meant leaving behind the only place Sonya and I had ever lived together. It meant moving out of the house that had become our home. It meant leaving behind almost all of the people who had been there through the first 9 months and those people who had been such a large part of our lives together as a couple. It also meant moving to new location that Sonya and I had talked about for a few years. And making that transition without her was hard. In fact, I think the move caused me to take a number of steps backward as it forced me to face so many of the physical items that triggered memories.
Memories are both wonderful and at the same time painful. As one might imagine, seeing your spouse in pain and not being able to do anything about it and knowing its probably not going to get any easier, is an emotionally traumatic experience. And with deep emotion comes memories that are seared into you being. And so there are memories that have run through my heart and mind that I can not shake and wish I didn't have. At the same time deep emotion also accompanies other experiences that were wonderful and memories that I would hate to ever lose. I hear all the time - "Choose to hang focus on those positive memories and resist the bad ones." And to some extent that is good advice, but you can not escape the rough memories, they come, sometimes triggered by things you can't see coming or have no way to avoid.
Just a couple of weeks ago, while shopping for staples of all things. I am standing at the checkout counter and the clerk asks for my "club member" number. After figuring out which phone number it was attached to, the clerk confirmed the name on the account..."Sonya"... I am not even sure I understand why just hearing her name at that moment triggered such a reaction...I managed to hold it together long enough to get out of the store. But that sort-of rocked my world for a the next couple of hours...Didn't see that one coming. And while those moments are becoming less frequent - they still pop up now and then.
Along with the move, my walking path changed. Yup still take long walks to think through the many thoughts that run through my mind. Often times, I spend that walk in prayer sharing questions, the decisions that I need to make, and for which my sounding board has gone home.
How am I doing? I think I am doing well all thing considered. God has been faithful over this past year and given His character, I suspect he will continue to be faithful. He has provided comfort. Does that mean I have moved beyond the grief - no not at all. At times, although not as often any more, it still feels like that morning when her brother woke me up and said "Sonya is with Jesus..." Not actually sure if he said anything after that...but those are words I will never forget.
Is it getting easier? Yes... Is it easy yet...No!
Thank you all so very much for your prayers so me over this past year. I still need them. Pray for:
- Courage to move forward and take steps without Sonya, we were such a great team and I miss my team mate.
- Wisdom in the decisions that will come my way
- Understanding of what my calling is now
- Strength to be an encouragement to others
- The ability to let go enough to make room and not so much as to forget
I love you all,
In Christ
~Simon
