8 Weeks and Counting - Thankgiving

Sonya and her sister Lanissa, 1 years ago tomorrow.

This past week included Thanksgiving and it has been just over 8 weeks since Sonya departed this earth to begin her eternity with Christ.  Thanksgiving was full of emotion, both of happiness as I spent time with our friends and sadness as I felt the void her not being by my side, of not being able to get her something to drink or to discuss what were are going to do tomorrow.  The emptiness of her not being here with me is definitely felt.

But it was also a day to try and express thanks.  And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  Many remind me that I can be thankful for the 8 & 1/2 years I did have married to Sonya.  And in truth I am thankful for the time I had with her.  But no matter how thankful I am for that - it does not make the void and feeling of loss any less intense.  In fact, the more I consider how wonderful our relationship was, the more I have to be thankful for in that relationship - and the larger the void feels.

So I try and focus my thanks on the things that I had and still have aside from my dear Sonya.  My own health, my family and friends.  The love that they have shown me inspite of how hard it might be for them to be there for me.  Hard both from a logistical standpoint and emotionally for them.  I am thankful for a job that is both fulfilling and that has been so understanding of the struggle that Sonya and I were going through and of the struggle that I am now going through.

Last week include a trip to the south end of the DC.  As I drove past the National Mall - so many memories came flooding back of the times we had spent touring the Mall together with friends.  As I was able to identify some of the sites from the freeway - I recalled the time we had spent at each, the pictures we had taken there and again the void of her not being there to remind of the details I have forgotten. 

I desire to move forward, to heal, but still find me heart unable to take certain steps - steps like moving her things, or emptying any of the drawers in the house that still hold her things.  In fact I still refer to things as hers or ours and to us.  Moving her things, thinking of packing it away still feels so very much like I am trying to push her from my memory.  

I struggle to consider the idea of allowing someone else to be a part of my life.  So many of you have told me that I need to allow myself time.  While time is necessary, time also hurts.  I so very much want to move quickly through this season of pain, not to avoid it but to get it behind me.  To begin to feel a relief from the emptiness.  I recently with someone, that my heart physically felt "heavy" today.  Heavy from the sorrow and the grief.  

I miss her still so very much.  Each memories of her, brings with it happiness and sorrow not always in equal proportions. 

For those of you who have sent cards, Thank you so Very much.  It took me almost 6 weeks to read the all the cards that I did receive.  Not because there were so many (there were a lot), but because I could only handle reading 3 or 4 in a day.  And some some days I couldn't bring myself to read any of them.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers and thank you to everyone that continues to check in on me - I still need it and probably will for a very long time.