Christmas - 12 Weeks

Sonya and Simon Christmas Day 2011

Merry Christmas!  I hope everyone has had a great time with those the love.  For me this season has been full of mixed emotions.  It has provided me the opportunity to see many of my loved ones that I only see on an occasional basis on trips home. And I has been the first time I have seen most of them since before Sonya went home.  Almost without exception, the first time I see someone that I know loved both Sonya and I, the meeting results in instant tears for me.

Encouragement comes from odd places some times.  On Sunday, driving through Arizona, I was surfing the radio, look for the Broncos game - to no avail.  I came across an interview with Cardinal Timothy Dalton who was being asked questions about the tragedy of the school shoot that took place just a few days ago.  He mentioned a comment that really touched my heart - A parent of one of the children who lost their life had made a statement to the effect of - "Event though she in no longer with us, and we can no longer express our love for her to her, no longer hug her or hold her, we take comfort in knowing that she is in heaven and that our God is expressing his love to her, his perfect love. And in that we can find some joy, in knowing He loves her perfectly and will fill her entire need for love."

Over the past 12 weeks many have suggested that I can find comfort in knowing Sonya is home and spending her time in the very presence of one who created her, who died for her and who loves her far more deeply and perfectly that I ever could.  Comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering, no longer fighting, no longer in pain.  While there is indeed great joy in my heart for Sonya, that she has been given a new body that is perfectly healthily and that she is no longer fearful of what is happening in that body and experiencing no pain.  Joy that she has a front row seat and a perfect personal and uninhibited relationship with our God.  But that joy does nothing to lessen the loss and void I feel.

As time has passed, things have gotten a bit easier.  I still have my hours almost daily where I feel the loss so very deeply.  I have been so thankful to have my mom there to walk with and talk to - to express those feelings and thoughts to, without any feeling of judgement.  While healing is taking place, it is coming slowly.  While I may know some of the answers to questions I have - it doesn't really stop me from asking the questions.  I also realize that I don't need answers to some of those questions just yet - but I am still asking and hoping to understand the my steps ahead better.

I look forward to the time in my future where I will join my dear Sonya in heaven!  I am joyful for the gift of salvation, the gift of eternity in heaven.  I am grateful now in a way and for reasons that didn't exist in my heart just a few short months ago.  These these new reasons have so very little to do with the expectation of spending eternity in God's presence.  And while maybe these new reasons miss the real reason for rejoicing in my eternal destination, I think our God will understand the now dual desire in my heart to be home.

This Christmas season has taken on a new set of emotions for me.  This season was so very much Sonya's favorite.  She loved the entire experience. She loved to celebrate the birth of her savior, knowing that his birth was the first step toward his death and resurrection and her salvation.  She loved the decorations, seeing them and putting them up and our year long search for the ornament we would add to our tree that year.  Indeed, many of those ornaments marked trips we had taken and had travelled a long way to join our tree.

She would have but up our Christmas tree right after Halloween if she had been married to a guy who would have been ok with that… I always asked that we wait until Thanksgiving at least.  But loved seeing the excitement in her eyes as the decorations went up and our Christmas Season "officially" began.

She loved the gift giving, the opportunity to bless others and to see the excitement on their face  She seemed to especially enjoy the challenge of giving her husband an actual surprise for Christmas, which apparently was not all that easy a task.

I can hardly look at Christmas decorations without her memory jumping to the forefront of my mind.  Those memories come with great joy of having been blessed with the precious time I had with her.  Of being someone of unique position in her life and heart.  Those memories also come with the reminder that she is no longer here, that I am no longer able to share this very season with her.  And often the tears flow.

While I do look forward to seeing her again, I also know she wanted and still wants me to be happy.  She asked me to move forward, to not stay sad, to not stay crushed. And I want to be able to do that.  And in some ways I am.

I continue to find myself conflicted with not wanting to lose my memories of her and wanting to allow someone else into my life.  While it will likely still be a while before that takes place - I still struggle with the idea of someone else occupying the position in my life and heart that Sonya has occupied for the last decade.  I struggle with the need to allow someone new to become the most important person in my life and the idea of that meaning Sonya will no longer occupy that position.  That is not yet a shift my heart is ready to make - and indeed not one it needs to make yet.  But none the less on that I look forward with both hope and concern to that time.

My Christmas journeys so far have allowed me time with one of my cousins who's life experiences allow her to have a perspective on my loss that is meaningful to me.  And she has shared her own experience and in doing so, she answered some of the questions I have had rolling around in my mind. The most prominent, that you can indeed love two people, one who is home with the Lord and one who is here.  That you can love them both, without dishonoring either.  And that God achieve this in your heart, by allowing your  expanding your heart, and that the love for the new person does not take away from the love for the first. - What an encouragement to hear - and to have it come some someone I admire and who has walked a similar road.

Merry Christmas to you all.  Thank you all for your prayers for me and for the entire McLaren and Wessberg families.  Our road, our journey continues.  And while the road has gotten a bit easier - it is far from over and far from being free of hurt and loss.  Please continue to lift us in prayer.

8 Weeks and Counting - Thankgiving

Sonya and her sister Lanissa, 1 years ago tomorrow.

This past week included Thanksgiving and it has been just over 8 weeks since Sonya departed this earth to begin her eternity with Christ.  Thanksgiving was full of emotion, both of happiness as I spent time with our friends and sadness as I felt the void her not being by my side, of not being able to get her something to drink or to discuss what were are going to do tomorrow.  The emptiness of her not being here with me is definitely felt.

But it was also a day to try and express thanks.  And I do have a lot to be thankful for.  Many remind me that I can be thankful for the 8 & 1/2 years I did have married to Sonya.  And in truth I am thankful for the time I had with her.  But no matter how thankful I am for that - it does not make the void and feeling of loss any less intense.  In fact, the more I consider how wonderful our relationship was, the more I have to be thankful for in that relationship - and the larger the void feels.

So I try and focus my thanks on the things that I had and still have aside from my dear Sonya.  My own health, my family and friends.  The love that they have shown me inspite of how hard it might be for them to be there for me.  Hard both from a logistical standpoint and emotionally for them.  I am thankful for a job that is both fulfilling and that has been so understanding of the struggle that Sonya and I were going through and of the struggle that I am now going through.

Last week include a trip to the south end of the DC.  As I drove past the National Mall - so many memories came flooding back of the times we had spent touring the Mall together with friends.  As I was able to identify some of the sites from the freeway - I recalled the time we had spent at each, the pictures we had taken there and again the void of her not being there to remind of the details I have forgotten. 

I desire to move forward, to heal, but still find me heart unable to take certain steps - steps like moving her things, or emptying any of the drawers in the house that still hold her things.  In fact I still refer to things as hers or ours and to us.  Moving her things, thinking of packing it away still feels so very much like I am trying to push her from my memory.  

I struggle to consider the idea of allowing someone else to be a part of my life.  So many of you have told me that I need to allow myself time.  While time is necessary, time also hurts.  I so very much want to move quickly through this season of pain, not to avoid it but to get it behind me.  To begin to feel a relief from the emptiness.  I recently with someone, that my heart physically felt "heavy" today.  Heavy from the sorrow and the grief.  

I miss her still so very much.  Each memories of her, brings with it happiness and sorrow not always in equal proportions. 

For those of you who have sent cards, Thank you so Very much.  It took me almost 6 weeks to read the all the cards that I did receive.  Not because there were so many (there were a lot), but because I could only handle reading 3 or 4 in a day.  And some some days I couldn't bring myself to read any of them.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers and thank you to everyone that continues to check in on me - I still need it and probably will for a very long time.