It has been nearly 8 months since I said good by to you, my beloved wife. Today marks what would have been your birthday. And I face another first without you. Another day that would have been a day of celebration with you. A day of planning a trip or buying a gift for you. And I miss the planning and the studying you to try and pick out the "perfect" gift. Not that I picked all that well - but I would try. But this year, there has been no gift to pick, no trip to plan, no night on the town or special movie to rent or go watch. This year for your birthday, I am aware once again of your absence. While I know I will see you again - I also know that it will not be soon enough.
This past couple of weeks has brought with it other hard moments and first without you. And this next few months will bring about more change. Its time to move - no totally by choice, but the time has come. God has seen fit to direct me to relocate. Relocation comes with the excitement of a new chapter. And new chapter is something I could use, but a new chapter means turning more pages in the book of the story of my life. And with each turn of a page, I feel like I am leaving our life together further and further behind.
For you see - I am learning to balance the need to live in the reality that my future lies ahead of me - not behind me and to choose to remember you. To remain faithful to the values we shared. Not so much because we shared those values, but rather to simply remain faithful to the values and actions in our lives that God choose to bless. And to hope that He will once again bless my faithfulness.
The hard moments of this past week came in the form of another visit to Maryland. This time I was there to do house-hunting. To look for a new place to call my house and to hope that one day I might be able to call it home. So I found houses - houses that you and I would have loved. And that makes it hard - you see our tastes were so closely linked to one another, that choosing is difficult. Part of the time - I am not sure if it is me who likes a house or if it is my understanding of your likes, preferences and dreams in homes that causes me to react so strongly to a place. But regardless of why I am draw to a particular place - I must choose.
I must choose not only where I will hang my proverbial hat, but also to look forward. To plan for the move - what will I take and will I sell anything before I move. Selling anything means saying good-bye to a part of my past. Some of those goodbyes will be to things that I have outgrown from my days before you. But some of those might mean saying good bye to things from our life together. And it feels like it is another time where I say good-bye to you. And even after 8 months, saying goodbye to you is not any easier.
And it is finally time to take our pictures of the wall. Pictures of you, pictures of you and I - at least for the move. And that means there will come a time in the next few months where I must choose which of those pictures will again be placed on the wall and which I will pack away - maybe for good.
Sonya, I must also share with you, that those pictures can and do make some people uncomfortable. They feel that having them on the wall suggests that I am not ready to let someone else in. And I want someone new to feel there is a place for them. But the idea of that I must choose between my love for you and someone new - well I can't do that. I simply pray God will grant someone as amazing as you the grace needed. Not to endure my love for you, but to thrive in my memories of you and the new love I trust God will grant me for them.
So far I have faced some special days without you:
- Thanksgiving was spent with Daniel and Ani and they miss you too.
- Christmas I spent with my family - and we didn't even really celebrate. Here at the house, I couldn't bring myself to decorate. I remember so vividly how much you loved to the entire Christmas Season.
- New Years I spent with your family and mine. We travelled to Florida to see them - And we all missed you.
- Our Anniversary: I spent with Jenna and we missed you.
- And my birthday: Even though I had a good day - I missed you still. I celebrated with someone who wasn't you and missed you.
- And now your birthday... I still miss you. I pray our God is loving you and you are loving being there with him and that you don't miss me.
I don't know when, but someday, we will celebrate together again. Till then - Happy Birthday my love and celebrate with Jesus in our eternal home!
