Today is the day between my Anniversary and the 4 month mark since Sonya joined our Lord and Savior.
The last time January 31st went by and I didn't plan some sort of event was 2003. It has been a decade, since that date was not marked by celebrating the life Sonya and I shared together. The absence of not having an event to plan has shaken me a bit this week. The thought of the ideas I had had for our 10th anniversary almost haunt me, as I consider that I will never be able to share those plans with Sonya.Some friends suggested that I celebrate my anniversary even though she is not her. While I remembered Sonya and our lives together on our anniversary, I couldn't see celebrating it, at least not this year. It is very true that I have the 8 & 1/2 years we spent together as a couple to be thankful for and someday, I hope to be able to remember those days without the enormous vacuum that was left when she went home. But I am not there yet.
And I am ever so thankful for the opportunity to have been her husband! And I acknowledge, that the marriage we had, the love we shared maybe wasn't all that common. And while I am thankful for our time together, that amazing relationship, makes the absence all the more powerful.
Since Sonya went home to be with our Lord, I have travelled to Colorado twice, Maryland, Orlando and Vegas. What they all had in common is that I made those trip w/o Sonya by my side. Each trip hurt, because I have been to each of those location with Sonya on multiple occasions. Each destination held some sort of significance to us as a couple. And with each trip, I shared time with friends or family. Some of that time was enjoyable, and some of it hurt deeply. But each of those trips allowed me the chance to remember her and to show me that while hard, I could be in those places without her.
Over the past 4 months, I have done what I can to move forward. I have tried to go through her things, tried to pack some up, and to donate some items I don't have a clue what to do with them. After you get married, one item that no one ever seems to know what to do with is their wedding dress - do you keep it, sell it, donate it, give it away or keep it. And since you can't decide, you put it away in the closet and just wait until you figure it out… As a widower, I still have no idea what do with it. It represent a day that has been the happiest of my life to date. But I have no physical need for it, and yet have no idea how to part with it. So what do you do?
I wish I could say that the wedding dress is the only item that I have had to think about - but it isn't. There are other, I won't bore you with them, but there are so many others.
Telling our story - feels good. Sharing the hurt and experience feels good. And I hope that someday it helps someone to process their own grief. I suspect that somewhere and at sometime, there will be someone who walks this path in their own lives and just maybe knowing someone has walked this path ahead of them and not only survived but thrived after it - hopefully that will help them. And hopefully this blog will end with me telling the story of how God has restored everything I have lost. And maybe that can give someone else hope.
I want to be able to say - See, God was ever so faithful in my life. He did not stand idly by while I was hurting. No He was ever active in healing my heart while shaping the path of not just my life but the path of someone else's life. Shaping those paths and hearts to experience a restoration of joy, of a life spent seeking him together. But I am not there yet.
This Tuesday night I had a very difficult time sleeping. I actually just laid in bed and cried for a bit. This was the first time I have cried and I felt as if God were beside me and just being understanding. I didn't feel like he was asking me to trust him. Or to believe that he was sovereign and I should believe he has a plan. Or to not question him about why he made the choice he did to take her home rather than heal her.
No, this was the first time that I felt like he was ok with all of my emotions - all of my hurt, pain and sorrow. It felt like he was ok with all of it, understanding that I am only human and that it was ok for me to have all of those emotions. That he was ok with me questioning his plan, that he was ok that it hurt, that he was ok that I occasionally get mad at him. I had not felt that acceptance from him concerning my emotions until Tuesday night. While this didn't last but a few minutes, it was still the first time I had felt it. I don't know if anyone was praying for me that night - but if you were - thank you! And thank you to all of you who prayed for me on our anniversary too. I love you all - In Christ, Simon
