The Unheard Eulogy - My Wife

For those of you where able to attend one of Sonya's two Celebrations of Life services, you got hear about Sonya as a sister, a daughter, a colleague and as a friend.  What you didn't hear was about Sonya as a wife and sweetheart.  Why not - Because while I wanted to share, at the time I found it too difficult to share my own memories and didn't really know where to begin or which memories made sense to share.  I am not saying that I have answers to those question now, but I want or need to share some of my memories of her.

My wife, Sonya:  The best way to describe her is that the Love of Christ seemed to pour out of her.  Toward me, that outpouring was no exception: I would like to think that I am not all that difficult to get along with, and Sonya made sure I felt that way.  I am not saying that I am easy to get along with, only that Sonya could read me like a book.  She seemed to know when to carry on a conversation about a touchy subject because I was in a mood to discuss it without being upset, and when it was better to delay those conversations because I was to wound up or stressed from other activities and the conversation would decay in to an argument.  She so very rarely fell to the temptation to push my buttons during a conversation.

I recall the first trip she took without me after we had gotten married.  I no longer recall where she took the trip to, but I would guess it was a Mary Kay venture.  She was gone for three days and on her return, I remember sharing with her that "I never worried about what you were up to while you were away!" 

She looked at me with a bit of a puzzled look and wasn't sure if she had done something that would have given me reason to question her loyalty.  I told Sonya that is was not anything Sonya had done; rather for me, I had never experienced that sort of trust and peace while my someone special was far away without much accountability.  It was a new experience for me, and I liked it and it was because of her character and love that I had experienced that peace and trust.  Prov 31:11 says: "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."  And for me, I was this husband being talked about in Proverbs 31.  More importantly, this just one more of the Prov 31 woman characteristics that Sonya was exemplifying and I was on the receiving end of the benefits…  I was excited. I was blessed!

That trip was somewhat pivotal for me.  Following that realization that I could trust her - and that the reality of that had reached my heart, any of the walls of protection of heart that may have still existed began to melt away.  I was finally able to really let her in.

I have been told that Sonya was so very much in love with me.  I like hearing that!  And those that knew us well said that she always felt loved by me… I like hearing that as well!  The thing is, Sonya made it so very easy to love her.  She was a strong, intelligent and competitive woman, but aside from when we played games, she never seemed to allow that independence or competitiveness to be used against her husband, but rather for me.  She was willing to submit to my leading, which made it easy to listen to her concerns or objections.  Odd thing was, I think she was able to influence my actions a decision much more effectively using this submissive but appealing approach.  And any change of my mind, heart and direction came with the benefit of being driven by my love for her and not by me trying to pacify her.  Again she made it easy to love her.

Sonya fit me so very well.  I have been blessed to have shared those 8 & 1/2 years with her and continue to be blessed with the memories of that love.  As I have reflected over the past few days, I have no painful memories of her.  None!  I am not saying that I don't feel loss - quite the opposite, I feel a great deal of loss and the tears flow daily right now as something I see or a thought crosses my mind and reminds me of another wonderful memory or character quality of hers that was so precious to me.  The loss and reality of her not being here hurts deeply, at times so deeply I am scared by it.  But the memories themselves are not painful, that are actually quite happy memories.

For the past 4 & 1/2 years it was the thought of that all my memories of Sonya would hurt and of not having any happy memories has scared me deeply about a life without Sonya.  

Ever since Sonya's diagnosis, I have dreaded going through the experience of the losing my wife, and the pain of all the memories.  The thing is, the loss of Sonya has been different than I expected.  The loss itself is far greater, the part of me that Sonya has filled in my life for the past 8 years is a far greater hole than I would have expected.  But, there is no feeling of having being rejected - in fact quite the opposite, Sonya made it very clear over the last 2-3 years of her life that she was not afraid to die - but that she was concerned about me and the hurt and grief I would experience if she was called home.  Even in the week before her going home to be with our Lord, she cried and told me she did not want to die, because she didn't want to leave me and she didn't want me to hurt.  

So while the loss far deeper, it has no element of rejection in it.  And that seems to have allowed all the memories I have to remain happy memories.  Sure I cry when I think I won't be able to make new memories with her and that I can not share these memories with her…  I cry a lot.  But the lack of rejection by Sonya - has made this loss so very different that I was expecting. 

The fact that all my memories are happy memories and that now even in her absence there is no feeling of rejection, no feeling of not having been good enough for her, and the reality that she didn't leave me for someone else, no act of disloyalty to our wedding vows - makes it easy to love her.

While I know Sonya wanted me to move forward, to find a new love to share my life with, I wonder if in fact there is anyone who can measure up to the incredible woman Sonya was in life? I know I am not ready for a new person just yet.  But again, the fact Sonya knew me well enough to know I would need someone new in my life, and that she made sure I knew she wanted that for me, and she made sure her family knew that as well, and that she asked them to be supportive of that - well again makes it so very easy to love her. I can't imagine saying you want your husband to remarry is an easy thing to say, but she did it. She did it because she loved me, and to make sure I didn't experience guilt when the time comes. How can you not love a woman life that.

How can you not love a woman who fights to stay with you, who tried alternative treatments just to delay not her death, but my loss?  She was a woman who made it so very easy for me to love her.