Week 3 - Lots of Memories

This week has been a week full of memories and visiting places and attending an event that was special to Sonya.

Last Saturday, a good friend of mine was willing to go out in town and wander with me to take pictures.  Those of you that know me, know I like photography and have had the opportunity to take a lot of pictures on the travels and adventures Sonya and I enjoyed together.  But until this past Saturday - I had not taken my camera out to take a single picture.  I had used my camera on the phone, but not my camera, camera…

In truth, I just could not bring myself to do so.  I had hoped that with the help of my friend just being there and encouraging me, I would be able to get past the void that I feel whenever I just look at the camera.  Well our day of photography came and went, I took some pictures and he and I exchanged stories of how he and his wife met & how Sonya and I had met.  I shared some of my other memories as well.

I still feel that void when I look at the camera and it triggers memories of all the many places where we took pictures together.  I wish now I had taken even more pictures of Sonya.  She was a reluctant model much of the time and I just never asked enough!

Wednesday, Mom and I attended the Oya Fashion Show - a Fundraising event for Breast Cancer Awareness.  Sonya had participated in this event a few times over the past few years and she had very much enjoyed it.  The Oya Solon would provide a day of pampering at the solon a couple of days before the actual fashion show, give many, many cancer survivors just a relaxing day for free.  I think this is what Sonya liked so much about the event.

Me, I liked the opportunity to take a couple of pictures of her!  I have included a couple from the events I did take pictures at - and I remember the hairdos.  She was always so willing to all Mark, the head hairdresser -  to do whatever he wanted with her hair - for the fashion show itself and she would wear it proudly.  Not because she liked the new do necessarily - but because she had hair!

This year the organizers had set up a small memorial for Sonya and 3 other women who had participated as models in prior years and lost their battle over the past year.  The event sponsor mentioned Sonya specifically a couple times as he introduced the fashion show as he reminded us all of those who were no longer able to be with us.

I recall past years at the event thinking - this could be the last event for Sonya.  She might not be here next year… and it was hard to stay upbeat during those moments. But I so enjoyed seeing her have fun at being a part of the event.

This year's event was very hard for me.  I cried on more than one occasion during the event.

Today, was a trip to Cannery row and a revisit of many of the places we used to frequent. The Cannery Row Brewery - a restaurant, we had recently gotten to like.  Me for their smoke hot wings and her for their portabella burger… a hard place to visit tonight.  Again accompanied by mom and the same great friend I took photos with last weekend.  The thing is that while I thought about her often while we were out tonight - I don't recall feeling down about things.  I missed her, but I didn't get too down.

As for how I am doing - I can only describe it as "Better than I expected, I would be doing…" And I am not sure why.  But tonight has been hard.

First, the experience has been far different than I expected.  The hurt is different than I had been dreading.  For that I remain extremely grateful.  The memories, while overpowering at times and saddening that I can not share them with her or make new memories with her, but all my memories of Sonya are happy memories.

Second, I believe that God has been merciful to me and has truly carried me over the past 3 & 1/2 weeks.   I think he has kept me from experiencing the depth of the hurt that I could expected.  I am not saying it has been easy, only that I am not as completely crushed as I had expected to for the past 4 & 1/2 years.

Third - and this is where you all come in - I think I have been prayed for nearly round the clock and by an enormous number of ever since she went home to be with the Lord.  Please keep praying for me - please and thank you!  You are making a difference in my life with your prayer.

I wonder if a real crash is yet ahead of me, as I don't seemed to have experience the crush I anticipated.  Is that still ahead?  I hope not. Or will God keep me from that crash all together? I hope so.  Has the past 4 & 1/2 years of thinking and crying and praying already been a part of my grieving process and I am further along than one might expect?"

I still cry daily.  Usually multiple times.  But I have had a lot of good hours as well. Over the past week in particular.

I found a short stack of cards from Sonya to me tonight.  As I reread them, I was reminded by just how much she loved me.  Just how loved she felt.  And I felt loss and joy.  Joy that I had been so completely loved by her.  Joy that she is no longer in pain. Joy that she is in the presence of our God and Savior.  (I don't really have any idea what she is doing - but I know she is with Him.) Joy that I finished well in our marriage - as did she.   I feel like she and I were a success.  Odd to describe a marriage that only lasted 8 years, 8 months and 2 days as a success - But I think we had a successful marriage.

At the same time - I continue to pray that I will move forward quickly.  And that creates emotional conflict.  As much as I want to move forward, I have difficulty shaking the thought, that moving forward means letting go and forgetting her.  And I don't want to forget, I don't want to let go… I know I have to eventually let go - but my heart is not completely ready for that.

I haven't moved very much of her stuff yet - not sure where to put it, or what to put in its place.  And each time I do move something - I feel like I am pushing her out of my life and memory.  And I don't want to do that, at least not yet, not now.  On one hand I know it is all "just stuff", but at the same time, I also know the memories attached to "that stuff" and I am not able to hide or remove  those memories yet.

To my Monterey Brothers in Christ - I need you!  I need you to reach out and take a walk with me.  You need to know I don't tend to like large groups well.  I like "one-on-one" and right now, I need an opportunity to just share my heart "one-on-one.,"  Sometimes that is not what happens at all - I end up talking about everything but Sonya and the loss.  Other times, I just need to relive memories and share some of my deeper hurts or fears.  And to be reminded of God's Word as it applies to my thoughts and to pray with you and for you.