It has been a month - I am surviving

It has been a month, a month of missing my love.  A month of tears, a month of memories, a month of walking and month of not know why or what comes next.  A month of having a difficult time sleeping and concentrating.

Over the past month I have lost a wife, had to make funeral arrangements (Thank you to all of her family and mine that did so much of the work while I was barely able to make any decisions.), been trying to get back to work and trying to lean on God to keep me from falling apart.

I am still dealing the incredible amount of paperwork and watching some folks move very slowly to provide support.  Folks that are supposed to be here to help in exactly this situation.  Some have been great and other seem to be dragging their feet.

I am beginning to understand all that I lost in my wonderful wife.  A partner, a lover, a friend, a confidant, a cook, and travel partner, a dinner partner, a date to the movies, the show, the beach,…, a shopping companion and second opinion on my clothes.  A sounding board, and the reason I planned so far ahead.  Someone to rub my back,  pop my knuckles, encourage me, and someone to shop for.  Someone to walk the dog with me, to go to Navy functions with, to accompany me, and to just be there in the quite of the evening and night.  Someone to visit friends with, to visit family with.  A safe shoulder to cry on, and someone to love.

As I walk around the house, I am reminded of her at every turn.  Looking at pictures, I recall the places we visited, the thought of her standing beside me while I took the picture, or as I stood beside her and she shot just one picture and it turned out better than all of mine… While memories are good and happy of her, they come in waves that still run me over.

Do I have question for God about why he allowed this to happen? Of course I do.  Do I have answers to those questions? No.  Do I question his choice?  Yup.  Do I believe He has a plan? Sometimes.

One of Sonya's favorite verses was Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I have repeated it to myself a number of times to help comfort my heart that God does indeed have a plan for me.  Does it always provide comfort? No.  At time it does and gives me what I may need most - hope.  At other times it is just an empty bunch of words.

I have a hard time returning phone calls or even text and Facebook messages , but thank you to everyone who has called, texted or messaged - please don't stop!  I still need encouragement.  Encouragement that come from reminding me that I was so blessed to have shared my life with Sonya.  And encouragement that God has a plan for me and that it will be fulfilling.  Encouragement that he will provide comfort and peace even while the void is still so very real. Encouragement that God will restore my ability to love.  Encouragement to get out of the house and to hang out with people.  Encouragement to meet new people.  Just encouragement.

As time goes on, it seems that many forget that the loss is still so very present in my heart.  That while life goes on, that for me it goes on with only half of me being here.  I still need you to reach out, to offer to come walk a mile or two with me.