The Passage of Time

His heart which was once full of love for the partner God placed in is life

Now finds itself with a hole that has not been filled and a love whose focus is now out of reach

Looking forward to the future inevitably means letting go of the past

And in his case, the past was awesome and the future so undefined

His mind full of memories; some he can not shake and others he would never want to

He must now learn to hide away many of those memories to allow a new space to be available

His road has been filled with support, but lonely all the same

Glad to not walk it alone, but crushed to walk it all

"Help Lord Jesus" are sometimes the only words he can muster.

A year.  The passage of time is unstoppable, and time has done what it always has - continued to move in the only direction it knows.  And like it or not, I am on that train.  Today is a marker, a beacon to remember the amazing time Sonya and I shared together.  It is also a milestone, in some ways a day I thought would never come.  I mean I knew it would eventually come, but it seemed so far away.  A year without Sonya.

Believe me when I share, a world without her, or at least my world without her, is one I prayed and hoped I would never have to see.  But, such is the course of life that God has allowed to be my course.  Why - I haven't got a clue.  Do I still ask - you bet! Do I expect an answer - no, not really.  At least not in the hear and now.

This past year has also be full of firsts without Sonya.  Of rediscovering who I am without her. Maybe not all that surprising, I am much the same man without her as I was with her.  But there is indeed a part of me missing.  A part of me I loved and had the opportunity to share life with and to take care of and spoil and be spoiled by.  I not only miss her, I miss the part of me that got to express itself toward her.

Over that past year my walk with the Lord has definitely been challenged.  The only answers I have to why He allowed her to go home that make any sense require me to acknowledge that God sees things on an eternal scale.  And that this earth is not our final destination.  If you consider that we are just pilgrims passing through this life, with an eternal destination in our future, well then things might make a bit more sense.  In fact, there is even comfort in knowing that Sonya had trusted her eternal destination to the grace and mercy of God through the gift of salvation that was provided through Jesus' death on the cross.  There is comfort in knowing she is full of joy today, without pain or sorrow and that she is in the presence of our Lord.  Does that bring comfort, yes.  Does it fill the void...not in the least.

And while her path has taken her home, mine is to continue to move forward on this earth.  And to move forward, means you have to know where you are headed (and I am still working that out). Moving forward means change.  And my year has seen a lot of it.

I have had three roommates over the past year.  My family has seen to it that I have not had to live alone.  A sacrifice on their part that can not ever repay.  Each of them so very different from Sonya and from each other.  I have had to learn to live with each of them, to establish routines, boundaries and fellowship. And then to adapt to change again as they have traded places and I have gotten a new roommate.

I have had to change some of habits, or least put them on the shelf for the time being. A lot of realizations about my own habits.  Some of the moments of enlightenment have been rather amusing and some, almost embarrassing. But so many of those realization have been about the habits I had toward Sonya.

I have changed locations -  I moved cross country in July.  The move meant leaving behind the only place Sonya and I had ever lived together.  It meant moving out of the house that had become our home.  It meant leaving behind almost all of the people who had been there through the first 9 months and those people who had been such a large part of our lives together as a couple. It also meant moving to new location that Sonya and I had talked about for a few years. And making that transition without her was hard.  In fact, I think the move caused me to take a number of steps backward as it forced me to face so many of the physical items that triggered memories.

Memories are both wonderful and at the same time painful.  As one might imagine, seeing your spouse in pain and not being able to do anything about it and knowing its probably not going to get any easier, is an emotionally traumatic experience.  And with deep emotion comes memories that are seared into you being.  And so there are memories that have run through my heart and mind that I can not shake and wish I didn't have.  At the same time deep emotion also accompanies other experiences that were wonderful and memories that I would hate to ever lose.  I hear all the time - "Choose to hang focus on those positive memories and resist the bad ones." And to some extent that is good advice, but you can not escape the rough memories, they come, sometimes triggered by things you can't see coming or have no way to avoid.

Just a couple of weeks ago, while shopping for staples of all things.  I am standing at the checkout counter and the clerk asks for my "club member" number.  After figuring out which phone number it was attached to, the clerk confirmed the name on the account..."Sonya"... I am not even sure I understand why just hearing her name at that moment triggered such a reaction...I managed to hold it together long enough to get out of the store.  But that sort-of rocked my world for a the next couple of hours...Didn't see that one coming. And while those moments are becoming less frequent - they still pop up now and then.

Along with the move, my walking path changed.  Yup still take long walks to think through the many thoughts that run through my mind.  Often times, I spend that walk in prayer sharing questions, the decisions that I need to make, and for which my sounding board has gone home.

How am I doing?  I think I am doing well all thing considered.  God has been faithful over this past year and given His character, I suspect he will continue to be faithful.  He has provided comfort.  Does that mean I have moved beyond the grief - no not at all.  At times, although not as often any more, it still feels like that morning when her brother woke me up and said "Sonya is with Jesus..." Not actually sure if he said anything after that...but those are words I will never forget.

Is it getting easier? Yes... Is it easy yet...No!

Thank you all so very much for your prayers so me over this past year.  I still need them.  Pray for:

• Courage to move forward and take steps without Sonya, we were such a great team and I miss my team mate.
• Wisdom in the decisions that will come my way
• Understanding of what my calling is now
• Strength to be an encouragement to others
• The ability to let go enough to make room and not so much as to forget

I love you all,

In Christ
~Simon

The things she will miss...

I realized something yesterday.  For the past few months I have been saying that I do not feel sorrow for Sonya.  That when I think of Sonya, I am happy for her.  After all, I believe with all my being that she is among the lucky ones.  She is home in heaven with a loving and awesome God.  I believe she is completely healed, and experiencing a life of no sorrow, now pain, no sickness and no sin.  She is getting to spend time with people who have gone on before and that the answers to the of mysteries of time are revealed.  That she is spending time, face-to-face with our Savior and God  She does't have to seek him through prayer any longer - no today she sees him face-to-face.  No reading His Word to try and discern truth…she just talks directly to Him.  Again, she is the lucky one.

But here is the thing.  I realized this yesterday evening as Caleb and I were having dinner at an Asian restaurant.  While eating Pho and sushi.  As we sat there, looking out the window, across the parking lot I saw a Big Lots. (Ok hang on, this is where you get to watch a trail of thought take place.) And when I think of Big Lots and their discount prices and sort-of random merchandise, I think of Ross and Marshall's and their similar low prices and random items.  And I remember how much Sonya loved to find a bargain.  And then I think of the "grand-daddy stores" of discounts and home decor for Sonya… TJ Max and Home Goods…  We did not live near either of these two stores during our marriage.  But I recall visiting Florida with Sonya and spending time at TJ Max near her grandmommy's place, and how excited she would get to find an item she would have loved to have decorated our home with… only to become a bit deflated as she acknowledged she was a 5 hour plane ride from home and she couldn't take it home.

And in that moment when I recalled that excitement, I felt bad.  But this time not for me…this time I felt bad for Sonya.  You see, now that I am on the east coast and need to decorate an apartment (more on that later) I can imagine how excited she would be right now. Excited to shop at TJ Max and actually be able to take things home!  And I feel bad for her not having the opportunity to be excite about decorating and experiencing the joy of make a new house or apartment a home.

And I realized - I do feel sorrow for Sonya.  Sorrow for the things she will miss.  Sorrow that there are hopes and dreams she and I had together, that she will never get to be a part of.  Lord willing most of those experiences and plans are still ahead for me.  But even if God allows me to both experience and share those dreams with someone new, I won't share or experience them with Sonya and Sonya won't get to experience them at all.  And for that I do feel sorrow for her. Sorrow for what she will miss out on.

Now you are probably thinking…But Simon, she is in Heaven! How can you possibly think she is missing out on anything? She is surrounded by perfect beauty, and at complete peace.  She is in the presence of the Creator! She is…and you are right.  But, I I also realize she will never have the opportunity to give birth, to raise a child , to see them grow.  She will not be there when I retire, or to receive the customary certificate of thanks for having stood by her husband during his service and for the sacrifice she made to see me be successful.  She will not get to see her nieces and nephews graduate from high school or college or get married.  And while I want to believe she is not really missing any of it, that she is overwhelmed just by being with God, to overwhelmed to experience any sorrow over these things…I hurts to know she will not see them.

And then there is the pain of knowing, I will not get to share those experiences with her.

You she, her family became my family during our marriage.  And while it is not all that easy to spend time with them as the memories run me over when I see her sisters, and listen to them talk to each other.  Talking in perfect sync, but using the wrong words…never skipping a beat and know exactly what they meant to say.  When I hear them laugh and can hear her laugh.  Well those thing bring back memories and make the lack of her presence ever so noticeable.  And the void left by her going home ever more un-ignorable.

But, even so, I expect that the Wessbergs will be a part of my life for a long while to come.  That regardless of the blessings of God in my life in the future, they will continue to be family.  And being family, I will be there for many of these events.  I will experience them, but without Sonya there by my side.  In fact, I hope that whoever God may bring in to my life, that God is preparing her heart to be big enough not just for my immediate family, but that she will happily make room for the Wessbergs as well.  But, even so, no matter how amazing and accepted someone new may be, there will always be the void of Sonya not being there.

I continue to look forward, to seek God and just put one foot in front of the other...But voids are hard to ignore.  And while I feel great joy know that Sonya is home,  I still feel sorrow for the experiences she will miss, and for the loss of the opportunity to share those with her.

Please continue to pray for the healing of my heart and for my adjustment to a new location.  I still need it.

Happy Birthday Sonya!

It has been nearly 8 months since I said good by to you, my beloved wife.  Today marks what would have been your birthday.  And I face another first without you.  Another day that would have been a day of celebration with you. A day of planning a trip or buying a gift for you.  And I miss the planning and the studying you to try and pick out the "perfect" gift.  Not that I picked all that well - but I would try.

But this year, there has been no gift to pick, no trip to plan, no night on the town or special movie to rent or go watch.  This year for your birthday, I am aware once again of your absence. While I know I will see you again - I also know that it will not be soon enough.

This past couple of weeks has brought with it other hard moments and first without you.  And this next few months will bring about more change.  Its time to move - no totally by choice, but the time has come.  God has seen fit to direct me to relocate.  Relocation comes with the excitement of a new chapter.  And new chapter is something I could use, but a new chapter means turning more pages in the book of the story of my life.  And with each turn of a page, I feel like I am leaving our life together further and further behind.

For you see - I am learning to balance the need to live in the reality that my future lies ahead of me - not behind me and to choose to remember you. To remain faithful to the values we shared.  Not so much because we shared those values, but rather to simply remain faithful to the values and actions in our lives that God choose to bless.  And to hope that He will once again bless my faithfulness.

The hard moments of this past week came in the form of another visit to Maryland.  This time I was there to do house-hunting. To look for a new place to call my house and to hope that one day I might be able to call it home.  So I found houses - houses that you and I would have loved.  And that makes it hard - you see our tastes were so closely linked to one another, that choosing is difficult.  Part of the time - I am not sure if it is me who likes a house or if it is my understanding of your likes, preferences and dreams in homes that causes me to react so strongly to a place.  But regardless of why I am draw to a particular place - I must choose.

I must choose not only where I will hang my proverbial hat, but also to look forward.  To plan for the move - what will I take and will I sell anything before I move. Selling anything means saying good-bye to a part of my past.  Some of those goodbyes will be to things that I have outgrown from my days before you.  But some of those might mean saying good bye to things from our life together.  And it feels like it is another time where I say good-bye to you.  And even after 8 months, saying goodbye to you is not any easier.

And it is finally time to take our pictures of the wall.  Pictures of you, pictures of you and I - at least for the move.  And that means there will come a time in the next few months where I must choose which of those pictures will again be placed on the wall and which I will pack away - maybe for good.

Sonya, I must also share with you, that those pictures can and do make some people uncomfortable.  They feel that having them on the wall suggests that I am not ready to let someone else in.  And I want someone new to feel there is a place for them.  But the idea of that I must choose between my love for you and someone new - well I can't do that.  I simply pray God will grant someone as amazing as you the grace needed. Not to endure my love for you, but to thrive in my memories of you and the new love I trust God will grant me for them.

So far I have faced some special days without you:
- Thanksgiving was spent with Daniel and Ani and they miss you too.
- Christmas I spent with my family - and we didn't even really celebrate.  Here at the house, I couldn't bring myself to decorate.  I remember so vividly how much you loved to the entire Christmas Season.
- New Years I spent with your family and mine.  We travelled to Florida to see them - And we all missed you.
- Our Anniversary: I spent with Jenna and we missed you.
- And my birthday: Even though I had a good day - I missed you still.  I celebrated with someone who wasn't you and missed you.
- And now your birthday...  I still miss you.  I pray our God is loving you and you are loving being there with him and that you don't miss me.

I don't know when, but someday, we will celebrate together again.  Till then - Happy Birthday my love and celebrate with Jesus in our eternal home!

How we met - A story of God's faithfulness!

I have been thinking today about how Sonya and I met.  In particular, how amazing faithful God was to get this dense headed guy to asker her out...  The back story is that when Sonya and I connected and our road to our lives together really began to form, it was the third time I had asked her to consider me as a date.  You see the first time was in the fall of 1999, at which time she politely told me “Thanks for asking, but I am just not interested.” This is a phrase she learned from her older sister.  - Thanks Lanissa!


The second time was in the spring of 2000, this time I tried sending flowers and anonymous poems once a week over a 4 week period - ‘cause the straight forward, “would you like to get a coffee together some time?” had fallen flat on its face.  It is a tricky business when you send a woman flowers with anonymous poems.  Send too few or not for a long enough period, and you fail to peak her interest enough to say yes. (when last time she said no.)  Send too many or wait too long to reveal yourself and - well, in most states they call this “stalking” and judges issue restraining orders and the like.  So you see, it is a high risk maneuver! - But it worked.  This time around we “dated” for about 6-8 weeks.   And again - from my perspective anyway - she again said she was not interested in anything more serious...

Now this is where the amazing faithfulness of God begins to really show up...  In some ways it started with the Christmas of 1999 - after Sonya had said no for the first time.  You see, I was content with the first No she had given me, and had no intention of asking again...  However, while home over Christmas visiting my family, my mom asked about Sonya.  Thing is, I don’t actually recall ever telling my mom about Sonya.  Anyway, mom asked if I had seen her again and if I was going to take her ‘No’ as her final answer?  Well, that must have stuck with me, ‘cause I went back and tried the flower/stalker thing...   I see that little question mom asked, as God’s first act of faithfulness in getting both of us past our initial hesitation. (Ok, maybe it was just Sonya who hesitated... But you get my point.)

So the crazy thing is this. Remember in the spring of 2000? I mentioned that Sonya once again, said she wasn’t interested in anything more serious?  So, I also said that, that was from my perspective... And as it turns out, my perspective as wrong... What she was saying (and what I was reading between the lines to hear that she was not interested) was that she didn’t know where she would be a in a few months after graduation, (which was a couple months away for her) and didn’t feel she could promise anything more serious until that question had been answered... She never said she was not interested in something more serious...  So, this was my mistake.  And we went on our own paths, because I read she was not interested and was trying to find a polite way to tell me to take a hike when she was actually just being very honest... At the time my ability to trust was low and she had no way to know that.  So mistake #1 on my part...  But God is faithful.

Now over the course of the next 2 years a few things were at play.

• I was gun shy and not going to risk getting hurt by Sonya by asking her again
• Sonya had found a job there in Pensacola and moved in with her sister
• Sonya began to pray for me, by name, asking God for another chance at dating me...
• And God was going to orchestrate a number of chances for me to ask her out again, 
• And He was going to have friends drop hints, hints that this guy was to either too gun shy or to dense to pick up on.
• Her friend Tracy was going to tell me in a random conversation at a hockey game, that she and Sonya had talked about me on a road trip they had taken a few weeks earlier - and I missed the hint...
• I was going to run in to Sonya at a Bible study (which she would later admit, that she only went to in order to see me) where she told me she wanted to say she was sorry about how she had handled things 18 month earlier... and again, I was going to miss the hint
• A friend was going to try to get me to go on a “triple date” that would have put her and I together... and, I missed it.

Now in the mean time I was praying too... And honestly, I was a bit discouraged.  And I told God, “You may just have to bring the woman of your choosing to my front door and have her ring the doorbell so I know she the woman of you choosing - ‘cause I don’t seem to have any clear direction from you...” Now how ridiculous of a prayer request is that?  Well, hang on to your judgement there for just a couple more seconds...

So, the spring of 2002 was over, and this afore mentioned Bible study had come to an end for the school year...  My roommates and I sort of missed having a Thursday night event to go to, so we decided to have a Bible study at my place. In order of keep the tradition alive for those of us who weren’t going anywhere that summer...

So the second study we had, my roommate - Dan (Same friend who had set up the “Triple Date” a few months earlier.) tells me he was going to invite the same trio of girls to the Bible study... I almost fell over laughing when he told me that, and I bet him they would never come...  He said he was going to do it anyway...  And Sonya came with her sister and her sisters boyfriend (now husband). The second week, she came by herself...

Now my roommate (yup. Same one) was in a production of ‘The Sound of Music’ and I need a date to go with...  And here was Sonya in my house...  So I waited until she walked out the door to head home for the evening and I asked her if she wanted to go with me...

I asked my soon to be wife out on our “second-first” date on my door step...  Remember, I had told God, "You may just have to bring her to my front door"...  The rest, as they say, is history...

So why bring this story up now?  Because I needed to be reminded of just how incredibly faithful God was to honor the prayers of two people who were seeking him to bring the right person along...  So faithful, that he kept making opportunities for me to ask her out, so faithful that when I asked something so ridiculous as bring her to my front door - He did just that... ‘Cause, that was what it took for me to have the courage to ask my soon to be wife out again...

The Eye of My Storm

Today is the day between my Anniversary and the 4 month mark since Sonya joined our Lord and Savior.

The last time January 31st went by and I didn't plan some sort of event was 2003.  It has been a decade, since that date was not marked by celebrating the life Sonya and I shared together.  The absence of not having an event to plan has shaken me a bit this week.  The thought of the ideas I had had for our 10th anniversary almost haunt me, as I consider that I will never be able to share those plans with Sonya.

Some friends suggested that I celebrate my anniversary even though she is not her.  While I remembered Sonya and our lives together on our anniversary, I couldn't see celebrating it, at least not this year.  It is very true that I have the 8 & 1/2 years we spent together as a couple to be thankful for and someday, I hope to be able to remember those days without the enormous vacuum that was left when she went home.  But I am not there yet.

And I am ever so thankful for the opportunity to have been her husband!  And I acknowledge, that the marriage we had, the love we shared maybe wasn't all that common.  And while I am thankful for our time together, that amazing relationship, makes the absence all the more powerful.

Since Sonya went home to be with our Lord, I have travelled to Colorado twice, Maryland, Orlando and Vegas.   What they all had in common is that I made those trip w/o Sonya by my side.  Each trip hurt, because I have been to each of those location with Sonya on multiple occasions. Each destination held some sort of significance to us as a couple.  And with each trip, I shared time with friends or family.  Some of that time was enjoyable, and some of it hurt deeply.  But each of those trips allowed me the chance to remember her and to show me that while hard, I could be in those places without her.

Over the past 4 months, I have done what I can to move forward.  I have tried to go through her things, tried to pack some up, and to donate some items I don't have a clue what to do with them.  After you get married, one item that no one ever seems to know what to do with is their wedding dress - do you keep it, sell it, donate it, give it away or keep it.  And since you can't decide, you put it away in the closet and just wait until you figure it out… As a widower, I still have no idea what do with it.  It represent a day that has been the happiest of my life to date.  But I have no physical need for it, and yet have no idea how to part with it. So what do you do?

I wish I could say that the wedding dress is the only item that I have had to think about - but it isn't.  There are other, I won't bore you with them, but there are so many others.

Telling our story - feels good.  Sharing the hurt and experience feels good.  And I hope that someday it helps someone to process their own grief.  I suspect that somewhere and at sometime, there will be someone who walks this path in their own lives and just maybe knowing someone has walked this path ahead of them and not only survived but thrived after it - hopefully that will help them.  And hopefully this blog will end with me telling the story of how God has restored everything I have lost. And maybe that can give someone else hope.

I want to be able to say - See, God was ever so faithful in my life.  He did not stand idly by while I was hurting.  No He was ever active in healing my heart while shaping the path of not just my life but the path of someone else's life.  Shaping those paths and hearts to experience a restoration of joy, of a life spent seeking him together.  But I am not there yet.

This Tuesday night I had a very difficult time sleeping. I actually just laid in bed and cried for a bit.  This was the first time I have cried and I felt as if God were beside me and just being understanding.  I didn't feel like he was asking me to trust him. Or to believe that he was sovereign and I should believe he has a plan. Or to not question him about why he made the choice he did to take her home rather than heal her.

No, this was the first time that I felt like he was ok with all of my emotions - all of my hurt, pain and sorrow.  It felt like he was ok with all of it, understanding that I am only human and that it was ok for me to have all of those emotions.  That he was ok with me questioning his plan, that he was ok that it hurt, that he was ok that I occasionally get mad at him.  I had not felt that acceptance from him concerning my emotions until Tuesday night.  While this didn't last but a few minutes, it was still the first time I had felt it.   I don't know if anyone was praying for me that night - but if you were - thank you!  And thank you to all of you who prayed for me on our anniversary too.  I love you all - In Christ, Simon