Week 3 - Lots of Memories

This week has been a week full of memories and visiting places and attending an event that was special to Sonya.

Last Saturday, a good friend of mine was willing to go out in town and wander with me to take pictures.  Those of you that know me, know I like photography and have had the opportunity to take a lot of pictures on the travels and adventures Sonya and I enjoyed together.  But until this past Saturday - I had not taken my camera out to take a single picture.  I had used my camera on the phone, but not my camera, camera…

In truth, I just could not bring myself to do so.  I had hoped that with the help of my friend just being there and encouraging me, I would be able to get past the void that I feel whenever I just look at the camera.  Well our day of photography came and went, I took some pictures and he and I exchanged stories of how he and his wife met & how Sonya and I had met.  I shared some of my other memories as well.

I still feel that void when I look at the camera and it triggers memories of all the many places where we took pictures together.  I wish now I had taken even more pictures of Sonya.  She was a reluctant model much of the time and I just never asked enough!

Wednesday, Mom and I attended the Oya Fashion Show - a Fundraising event for Breast Cancer Awareness.  Sonya had participated in this event a few times over the past few years and she had very much enjoyed it.  The Oya Solon would provide a day of pampering at the solon a couple of days before the actual fashion show, give many, many cancer survivors just a relaxing day for free.  I think this is what Sonya liked so much about the event.

Me, I liked the opportunity to take a couple of pictures of her!  I have included a couple from the events I did take pictures at - and I remember the hairdos.  She was always so willing to all Mark, the head hairdresser -  to do whatever he wanted with her hair - for the fashion show itself and she would wear it proudly.  Not because she liked the new do necessarily - but because she had hair!

This year the organizers had set up a small memorial for Sonya and 3 other women who had participated as models in prior years and lost their battle over the past year.  The event sponsor mentioned Sonya specifically a couple times as he introduced the fashion show as he reminded us all of those who were no longer able to be with us.

I recall past years at the event thinking - this could be the last event for Sonya.  She might not be here next year… and it was hard to stay upbeat during those moments. But I so enjoyed seeing her have fun at being a part of the event.

This year's event was very hard for me.  I cried on more than one occasion during the event.

Today, was a trip to Cannery row and a revisit of many of the places we used to frequent. The Cannery Row Brewery - a restaurant, we had recently gotten to like.  Me for their smoke hot wings and her for their portabella burger… a hard place to visit tonight.  Again accompanied by mom and the same great friend I took photos with last weekend.  The thing is that while I thought about her often while we were out tonight - I don't recall feeling down about things.  I missed her, but I didn't get too down.

As for how I am doing - I can only describe it as "Better than I expected, I would be doing…" And I am not sure why.  But tonight has been hard.

First, the experience has been far different than I expected.  The hurt is different than I had been dreading.  For that I remain extremely grateful.  The memories, while overpowering at times and saddening that I can not share them with her or make new memories with her, but all my memories of Sonya are happy memories.

Second, I believe that God has been merciful to me and has truly carried me over the past 3 & 1/2 weeks.   I think he has kept me from experiencing the depth of the hurt that I could expected.  I am not saying it has been easy, only that I am not as completely crushed as I had expected to for the past 4 & 1/2 years.

Third - and this is where you all come in - I think I have been prayed for nearly round the clock and by an enormous number of ever since she went home to be with the Lord.  Please keep praying for me - please and thank you!  You are making a difference in my life with your prayer.

I wonder if a real crash is yet ahead of me, as I don't seemed to have experience the crush I anticipated.  Is that still ahead?  I hope not. Or will God keep me from that crash all together? I hope so.  Has the past 4 & 1/2 years of thinking and crying and praying already been a part of my grieving process and I am further along than one might expect?"

I still cry daily.  Usually multiple times.  But I have had a lot of good hours as well. Over the past week in particular.

I found a short stack of cards from Sonya to me tonight.  As I reread them, I was reminded by just how much she loved me.  Just how loved she felt.  And I felt loss and joy.  Joy that I had been so completely loved by her.  Joy that she is no longer in pain. Joy that she is in the presence of our God and Savior.  (I don't really have any idea what she is doing - but I know she is with Him.) Joy that I finished well in our marriage - as did she.   I feel like she and I were a success.  Odd to describe a marriage that only lasted 8 years, 8 months and 2 days as a success - But I think we had a successful marriage.

At the same time - I continue to pray that I will move forward quickly.  And that creates emotional conflict.  As much as I want to move forward, I have difficulty shaking the thought, that moving forward means letting go and forgetting her.  And I don't want to forget, I don't want to let go… I know I have to eventually let go - but my heart is not completely ready for that.

I haven't moved very much of her stuff yet - not sure where to put it, or what to put in its place.  And each time I do move something - I feel like I am pushing her out of my life and memory.  And I don't want to do that, at least not yet, not now.  On one hand I know it is all "just stuff", but at the same time, I also know the memories attached to "that stuff" and I am not able to hide or remove  those memories yet.

To my Monterey Brothers in Christ - I need you!  I need you to reach out and take a walk with me.  You need to know I don't tend to like large groups well.  I like "one-on-one" and right now, I need an opportunity to just share my heart "one-on-one.,"  Sometimes that is not what happens at all - I end up talking about everything but Sonya and the loss.  Other times, I just need to relive memories and share some of my deeper hurts or fears.  And to be reminded of God's Word as it applies to my thoughts and to pray with you and for you.

The Unheard Eulogy - My Wife

For those of you where able to attend one of Sonya's two Celebrations of Life services, you got hear about Sonya as a sister, a daughter, a colleague and as a friend.  What you didn't hear was about Sonya as a wife and sweetheart.  Why not - Because while I wanted to share, at the time I found it too difficult to share my own memories and didn't really know where to begin or which memories made sense to share.  I am not saying that I have answers to those question now, but I want or need to share some of my memories of her.

My wife, Sonya:  The best way to describe her is that the Love of Christ seemed to pour out of her.  Toward me, that outpouring was no exception: I would like to think that I am not all that difficult to get along with, and Sonya made sure I felt that way.  I am not saying that I am easy to get along with, only that Sonya could read me like a book.  She seemed to know when to carry on a conversation about a touchy subject because I was in a mood to discuss it without being upset, and when it was better to delay those conversations because I was to wound up or stressed from other activities and the conversation would decay in to an argument.  She so very rarely fell to the temptation to push my buttons during a conversation.

I recall the first trip she took without me after we had gotten married.  I no longer recall where she took the trip to, but I would guess it was a Mary Kay venture.  She was gone for three days and on her return, I remember sharing with her that "I never worried about what you were up to while you were away!" 

She looked at me with a bit of a puzzled look and wasn't sure if she had done something that would have given me reason to question her loyalty.  I told Sonya that is was not anything Sonya had done; rather for me, I had never experienced that sort of trust and peace while my someone special was far away without much accountability.  It was a new experience for me, and I liked it and it was because of her character and love that I had experienced that peace and trust.  Prov 31:11 says: "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil."  And for me, I was this husband being talked about in Proverbs 31.  More importantly, this just one more of the Prov 31 woman characteristics that Sonya was exemplifying and I was on the receiving end of the benefits…  I was excited. I was blessed!

That trip was somewhat pivotal for me.  Following that realization that I could trust her - and that the reality of that had reached my heart, any of the walls of protection of heart that may have still existed began to melt away.  I was finally able to really let her in.

I have been told that Sonya was so very much in love with me.  I like hearing that!  And those that knew us well said that she always felt loved by me… I like hearing that as well!  The thing is, Sonya made it so very easy to love her.  She was a strong, intelligent and competitive woman, but aside from when we played games, she never seemed to allow that independence or competitiveness to be used against her husband, but rather for me.  She was willing to submit to my leading, which made it easy to listen to her concerns or objections.  Odd thing was, I think she was able to influence my actions a decision much more effectively using this submissive but appealing approach.  And any change of my mind, heart and direction came with the benefit of being driven by my love for her and not by me trying to pacify her.  Again she made it easy to love her.

Sonya fit me so very well.  I have been blessed to have shared those 8 & 1/2 years with her and continue to be blessed with the memories of that love.  As I have reflected over the past few days, I have no painful memories of her.  None!  I am not saying that I don't feel loss - quite the opposite, I feel a great deal of loss and the tears flow daily right now as something I see or a thought crosses my mind and reminds me of another wonderful memory or character quality of hers that was so precious to me.  The loss and reality of her not being here hurts deeply, at times so deeply I am scared by it.  But the memories themselves are not painful, that are actually quite happy memories.

For the past 4 & 1/2 years it was the thought of that all my memories of Sonya would hurt and of not having any happy memories has scared me deeply about a life without Sonya.  

Ever since Sonya's diagnosis, I have dreaded going through the experience of the losing my wife, and the pain of all the memories.  The thing is, the loss of Sonya has been different than I expected.  The loss itself is far greater, the part of me that Sonya has filled in my life for the past 8 years is a far greater hole than I would have expected.  But, there is no feeling of having being rejected - in fact quite the opposite, Sonya made it very clear over the last 2-3 years of her life that she was not afraid to die - but that she was concerned about me and the hurt and grief I would experience if she was called home.  Even in the week before her going home to be with our Lord, she cried and told me she did not want to die, because she didn't want to leave me and she didn't want me to hurt.  

So while the loss far deeper, it has no element of rejection in it.  And that seems to have allowed all the memories I have to remain happy memories.  Sure I cry when I think I won't be able to make new memories with her and that I can not share these memories with her…  I cry a lot.  But the lack of rejection by Sonya - has made this loss so very different that I was expecting. 

The fact that all my memories are happy memories and that now even in her absence there is no feeling of rejection, no feeling of not having been good enough for her, and the reality that she didn't leave me for someone else, no act of disloyalty to our wedding vows - makes it easy to love her.

While I know Sonya wanted me to move forward, to find a new love to share my life with, I wonder if in fact there is anyone who can measure up to the incredible woman Sonya was in life? I know I am not ready for a new person just yet.  But again, the fact Sonya knew me well enough to know I would need someone new in my life, and that she made sure I knew she wanted that for me, and she made sure her family knew that as well, and that she asked them to be supportive of that - well again makes it so very easy to love her. I can't imagine saying you want your husband to remarry is an easy thing to say, but she did it. She did it because she loved me, and to make sure I didn't experience guilt when the time comes. How can you not love a woman life that.

How can you not love a woman who fights to stay with you, who tried alternative treatments just to delay not her death, but my loss?  She was a woman who made it so very easy for me to love her.