A Journey Home...

Sonya and I in Orlando Jan 2010... might have been one of the best "photo days" we ever had...
I have a lot of great memories from that day...many photos, many smiles...

It has been a year since I have said anything here.  A type of "radio silence" for the past 12 months. As I begin this this morning, I am on a flight to Colorado.  A flight I have wanted to take, and a visit I have felt I needed to make.  This trip is not the usual trip home to see friends or family.  I am sure I will get to see family and I am sure there will be laughs and memories shared.  Talk of the future and what is currently happening in all our lives are sure to be a part of this visit.  However, for me, this trip is about a visit I haven't made since Christmas and one that I have felt I need...

You see, Sonya's gravesite is in my hometown.  When you are in a profession that causes you to move to differently locations, sometimes across the state, across the country or even across oceans, you sort of continue to call you hometown, well "home." And when you have to choose a location for a gravesite for someone that is precious to you, you choose the only place that you know you will return to from time to time...I still remember having to make that choice...it was something Sonya and talked about, but never made a decision about...she seemed comfortable that I would make the decision on the location that was best for me...after all, from her perspective, she wouldn't be all that concerned about where her gravesite was.  So I chose my hometown...

Now, after the funeral, there are so many things you have to work through, finances to get in order, business relationships to tie up, accounts to close, and even now, a friend or two to inform, who doesn't know that she is home with the Lord.

And then there is the headstone to choose... For me, that was not a choice I was able to face for

months after Sonya went home.  On the one hand, it is just a marker, one that in all reality, few people will ever see, and fewer still will attach any meaning to.  But still, it took me months to even be able to begin to look.  And for me, just as I felt Sonya was a remarkable person in life, with her own sense of style and who took care of the way she presented herself (a trait I greatly appreciated), I felt that the headstone should somehow reflect that character...So even once I began looking, it took me a few more months to find the stone that I felt was appropriate, that somehow reflected her personality... And once it was chosen, it took a few more months for it to be cut, engraved, shipped and then had it to wait for the ground to thaw to be placed... (yeah, I didn't know the process would take so long either.)

Thank you to Forrest McLaren for this picture.
And to my family for the amazing flowers for
Sonya's birthday this past year.

So, for the past few months, I have wanted to make a trip, to visit her gravesite and see the headstone.  To see it finished. And as I looked for a weekend that didn't have some sort of obligation, this weekend is the one that was available... So today, on the second anniversary of her home going...Lord willing, I will visit her graveside and see her headstone for the first time.  I will place flowers at her "finished" graveside for the first time...

I am sure my visit will include some tears, probably a lot of them... And I will stand there (maybe sit, kneel, who knows...) and pray.  I will share my heart yet again with my maker...I will again lift up the questions. I will again say thank you for the amazing blessing of having been able to share my life with Sonya for the time I did.  And again share the void in my heart that I hope He will choose to fill again...  And I will share my thoughts with Sonya as well, share them, as if she is there... of course, deep inside I know she isn't there, she is home... but still, I will open my heart and share with her about this past two years... about the progress I have made, some of the good times I have had.  About some of the new people I have met and new friends I have made...  And about how deeply I still miss her...How she was so unique to me and how much I wish she was still here...  And somewhere in all of that, how proud I am her for the way she faced life and how she faced her own death...with dignity and class, and always concerned more about those she loved than herself... And how thankful I am for her, that she is home - perfectly safe and secure in the presence of our Lord and Savior.

Many people of asked why I have been silent and why haven't written anything here this past year. And the truth is this past year it's been about me and my journey, about me moving forward in picking up pieces. My path has included people who have been significant in some fashion or another to me, but whom I've never felt it fair to talk about their story publicly or how our stories where intermingled.  And so, I have remained silent.

I have faced the challenge of feeling like I should be further along and be more ready to "face life again," like I am somehow failing to grasp hold of life and opportunities that are around me...and then at other times being reminded that I lost my wife...I lost my other half and that we were made to be one. And now, I have no choice but to be just me again. It has been comforting at times to know that moving forward takes time, significant time. It requires me to allow healing to take place and that in most cases, healing comes over time and it doesn't happen overnight. Knowing that allows me to see that my progress really hasn't been all that slow (it has just felt like it).  At the same time knowing it takes time is also discouraging. It means that there may still be time ahead of me that is required before I can be "whole-ish" again, before I can take whatever the next step in life might be, time before my heart can experience openness, without reservation, to something new.  And it has required me to accept that I might not ever be whole again... as a friend recently shared with me, that another widower had shared... That I may walk through life with a "limp" and that's ok...Jacob walked through life with a limp... a limp that was reminder of his struggle in his relationship with God... a struggle that yes resulted in a limp that remained with him, but it also resulted in Jacob being blessed by God. So maybe in some cases, a "limp" is not such a bad thing...

Cabo San Lucas in 2010

Being in the Maryland this past 14 months is been hard. It has meant I am living among people that never knew Sonya, or who I was with her.  All they know is a man who is somewhat broken. It has been difficult to sit in church and hear a message that triggers reminders of what we used to be an no longer are. I used to be part of a duo, a duo that had been joined to be one and I am no longer a part of that.

It has meant, I have needed to share life with people who are not aware of who Sonya was was in my life or how she's influenced and shaped me, how I am, in part, a product of our marriage, of her love, her kindness and the product of her reflection and outpouring of God's love. In fact there are many who I attend church with the don't know the story at all some who don't even know I was once married. I'm sure there are some that wonder what's wrong with this guy he's 40 years old and he is single...I wonder why...

So how am I doing?... I am doing well.  Can't say I am "back to normal," but then again, maybe I am...Maybe I have arrived or am getting closer to the "new normal"...

While I still have my moments or even hours that are still filled with sorrow and times when the void is so much more poignant, they don't seem to last quite as long.  And as time has passed it seems the memories that come favor the great times we had as opposed to images of her suffering... those still come from time to time, and usually wake me up from sleep and make getting back to bed hard... like being a little kid with nightmares in some ways... But, even this morning I woke to dream of her, and this one was pleasant and joyful.

As I look forward, I suspect I will never forget...but I fell like just maybe, finally, I believe there is light in this new normal... it might not be the life I had hoped for, and yes I am still forced to live without Sonya by my side... but maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that I can again begin to enjoy life.  Life as just me...and then who knows...

In preparing for this blog entry today, I took the opportunity to search through Sonya's photos album on her laptop...and was so pleasantly surprised by all of the "couples selfies" she had taken over the course of our lives together... not only are the reminders of our time together, but a vivid reminder of what she cherished in life...and I am happy to have been among them...

I love you all.  Your continued prayers are still needed and appreciated.

In Christ,
Simon