I realized something yesterday. For the past few months I have been saying that I do not feel sorrow for Sonya. That when I think of Sonya, I am happy for her. After all, I believe with all my being that she is among the lucky ones. She is home in heaven with a loving and awesome God. I believe she is completely healed, and experiencing a life of no sorrow, now pain, no sickness and no sin. She is getting to spend time with people who have gone on before and that the answers to the of mysteries of time are revealed. That she is spending time, face-to-face with our Savior and God She does't have to seek him through prayer any longer - no today she sees him face-to-face. No reading His Word to try and discern truth…she just talks directly to Him. Again, she is the lucky one. But here is the thing. I realized this yesterday evening as Caleb and I were having dinner at an Asian restaurant. While eating Pho and sushi. As we sat there, looking out the window, across the parking lot I saw a Big Lots. (Ok hang on, this is where you get to watch a trail of thought take place.) And when I think of Big Lots and their discount prices and sort-of random merchandise, I think of Ross and Marshall's and their similar low prices and random items. And I remember how much Sonya loved to find a bargain. And then I think of the "grand-daddy stores" of discounts and home decor for Sonya… TJ Max and Home Goods… We did not live near either of these two stores during our marriage. But I recall visiting Florida with Sonya and spending time at TJ Max near her grandmommy's place, and how excited she would get to find an item she would have loved to have decorated our home with… only to become a bit deflated as she acknowledged she was a 5 hour plane ride from home and she couldn't take it home.
And in that moment when I recalled that excitement, I felt bad. But this time not for me…this time I felt bad for Sonya. You see, now that I am on the east coast and need to decorate an apartment (more on that later) I can imagine how excited she would be right now. Excited to shop at TJ Max and actually be able to take things home! And I feel bad for her not having the opportunity to be excite about decorating and experiencing the joy of make a new house or apartment a home.
And I realized - I do feel sorrow for Sonya. Sorrow for the things she will miss. Sorrow that there are hopes and dreams she and I had together, that she will never get to be a part of. Lord willing most of those experiences and plans are still ahead for me. But even if God allows me to both experience and share those dreams with someone new, I won't share or experience them with Sonya and Sonya won't get to experience them at all. And for that I do feel sorrow for her. Sorrow for what she will miss out on.
Now you are probably thinking…But Simon, she is in Heaven! How can you possibly think she is missing out on anything? She is surrounded by perfect beauty, and at complete peace. She is in the presence of the Creator! She is…and you are right. But, I I also realize she will never have the opportunity to give birth, to raise a child , to see them grow. She will not be there when I retire, or to receive the customary certificate of thanks for having stood by her husband during his service and for the sacrifice she made to see me be successful. She will not get to see her nieces and nephews graduate from high school or college or get married. And while I want to believe she is not really missing any of it, that she is overwhelmed just by being with God, to overwhelmed to experience any sorrow over these things…I hurts to know she will not see them.
And then there is the pain of knowing, I will not get to share those experiences with her.
You she, her family became my family during our marriage. And while it is not all that easy to spend time with them as the memories run me over when I see her sisters, and listen to them talk to each other. Talking in perfect sync, but using the wrong words…never skipping a beat and know exactly what they meant to say. When I hear them laugh and can hear her laugh. Well those thing bring back memories and make the lack of her presence ever so noticeable. And the void left by her going home ever more un-ignorable.
But, even so, I expect that the Wessbergs will be a part of my life for a long while to come. That regardless of the blessings of God in my life in the future, they will continue to be family. And being family, I will be there for many of these events. I will experience them, but without Sonya there by my side. In fact, I hope that whoever God may bring in to my life, that God is preparing her heart to be big enough not just for my immediate family, but that she will happily make room for the Wessbergs as well. But, even so, no matter how amazing and accepted someone new may be, there will always be the void of Sonya not being there.
I continue to look forward, to seek God and just put one foot in front of the other...But voids are hard to ignore. And while I feel great joy know that Sonya is home, I still feel sorrow for the experiences she will miss, and for the loss of the opportunity to share those with her.
Please continue to pray for the healing of my heart and for my adjustment to a new location. I still need it.
